Thursday, April 12, 2007
i wanna be the lil girl in your arms,
i wanna leave my life for you to decide.
i don't wanna overcome you,
i don't wanna steer the direction of our sail.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:11 PM]
Tuesday, October 24, 2006
there are somethings girlfriends just can't do.
i can't talk to you like a friend.
i can't..
sigh, i dont know.
i saw all those messages in your inbox today,
well i'm sorry i peeped,
sorry i invaded your privacy.
but i didnt mention it to you or asked you about it,
hoping you would tell me yourself.
well, you did say something,
but you didnt mention names, why?
i know, i am making a big fuss over something small,
but i just cant get it off my mind.
i'm so insecure,
now i realise..
there can be nothing else, except insecurity.
there's so many things that are going wrong in my life.
but i dont know where to start.
i'm just standing here, letting all the waves hit me,
physically i havent fallen,
but inside.. its beaten.
just like a rotting wooden stilt that just stands there in the midst of waves.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[10:32 PM]
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
thank you dear.
i cry.
so much.
i dont even recognise myself.
sigh.
never knew so muhc things would crop up.
disappear.
please...
that innocent smile which captivates
`[10:35 PM]
Thursday, August 03, 2006
`i don't know what i should do,
i don't know what i should tell you.
yes, all i know is to cry all night,
all i know is to think and think and think.
god, i seriously can't see the light.
my Dad just shut off your light that is always going to be there.
he just blinded me from seeing any happy ending with you.
he matters more to me than you, cause, he's my Dad.
and.. if i really had to choose, i'd give u up, i would.
`lord, i am so scared now.
would you set my heart at ease?
would you stop those tears from flowing.
would you keep his heart at ease as well?
i love him lord, i love him. so please, would you listen to my plead?
dear Father i hope things will turn out fine, i hope you would keep that light bright, don't let it get any dimmer, don't. i beg of you.
`i thought i could regain that believe, that light of hope, that confidence in my life, my love.
but i never did.
i'm not as brave as before, i don't dare to face the future.
i don't dare to hope for too much, i don't believe in myself.
i don't know what the future holds..
i feel weak inside, all the energy is drained,
trying to figure what would my Dad say, trying to figure what was the best thing to do.
i thought i could give myself a break,
but it dawned on me that i haven't even tried.
its only been two months, and so many things happened.
sigh. i really really just wonder what more can i take.
i never felt so vulnerable, it feels as though the world is crashing down on me. i can feel my heart wrenching, i can see myself being sad and indecisive, yet i must perservere on, i must, right? i have no other choice do i. i am seen as that strong girl, who always believes and never give up, who'd know that the strongest person has the most vulnerable heart one that pricks with pain and despair.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[10:17 PM]
Monday, July 24, 2006
`dear lord,
i pray that you'll guide me through the way.
i pray that you'll help me choose the correct path,
that one and only path that i can take,
that one and only choice i can make.
lord i pray that you won't make him sad,
i pray that you'll keep him by my side,
my man.
lord i pray you'll keep my heart safe and secure in your writh,
i pray that you'll never ever let me slip away.
please.. angels up above.. help me..`my darl,
i'm so sorry i brought you through all this torment,
i'm sorry i said i love you, only to tell you later i love another.
i'm sorry that i just cry out so helplessly to you.
i'm sorry, for being so indecisive.
but would you believe me if i say i just want to choose you?
would you believe me if i say i can learn to forget him without knowing anything, without getting any answers.
for you i will.
would you believe me?
`i want to choose that route that will always be lit, ready to keep me warm in comfort, and always shield from that frightening darkness.
i don't want to step into a route that was originally dark, but later becoming all lit up with the brightest light, because i'll still keep in mind that it was once so dark, so scary, so torturous to go through. who knows one day, it might just black out again. i am afraid to try, to step out and reach into nothingness.
at least i can still feel you when i reach out my hands,
you will always be there to protect me, to love me.
i don't want to fall into a love web that might just fall through anytime.
`but again,
why are you giving me hope?
why ask me what if he is now a changed person, what if he loves me as much as you love me, what if he really really knows what he really wants now.
why stump me with those questions of yours,
why make me lose grip of you more and more...
`i feel, so guilty.
tears just flood my eyes when i know you're feeling sad,
because of all these foolish acts of mine,
because i can't make a decision.
one thing for sure,
i never used to cry so easily, so vulnerably.
but when i see tears in your eyes, my heart just pricks with pain.
maybe i understand exactly how you feel,
just that now, i am the one who's the indecisive one, the one who's hurting another, the one who's a cheat.
`sorry.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:19 PM]
Sunday, July 09, 2006
`i love you more and more each day.
i feel more and more for you.
its like this galaxy ride that goes on and on, with all the pretty stars shimmering in the endless dark sky.
`lying by your side and staring at your face,
with all the stars up in the sky,
children's laughter all around,
it was such a nice feeling!
i felt so comfortable talking to you this way,
even though your face was so near,
and even though i know everyone who walked pass would be staring at us.
there were endless things to talk about,
haha although most of it were just us crapping,
but i just love it!
i could've stayed there all night.
it was like a perfect dream to me! =]
`you're getting sweeter each day too!
the way you tell me i am the prettiest even though i know you're only saying it cause i'm your girlfriend. but still, its so sweet! =]
the way you just insist that i lie on your shoulder, despite it aching. you're absolutely sweet, pushing my head to your shoulder, not letting me lie back on my chair.
the way you hold my head when i sleep during bus rides, afraid that i'd be awaken by the jerks of the bus. haha so cute of you!
the way you treat hug me tight on MRT rides, just because you don't want horny asses to stare at me. so thoughtful of you.
the way you look when you know i am injured, looking in your eyes, i can see how much you care for me, i hope you know i care as much for you! i was worried sick that day when you were sick, you told me you were feeling cold in class, i felt so bad for having your jacket with me. =( hearing your voice, ow ow ow, i can still feel the heartache, that gentlemenly voice of yours be came so weak, so faint. =(
the way you whisper 'i love you', i wouldn't mind hearing it a gazillion times.
`it's so wonderful to have you in my life now.
i am starting to understand why she needed him so much so much,
it is just like the way i need you to be there for me.
but seeing everyone like this just scares me,
so much.
it almost seems like every other guy would get a lil sick of their girlfriend as time goes by.
is it that when you know i'll be fine, when you know i will sleep well, when you know someday we're going to meet each other again, you don't have to care as much, you don't have to miss me, you don't have to pay as much attention to me? is this really how a r/s works? i hope not. i won't ever want you to drift away, i won't ever want to be left out by you. i want that place in your heart, the same place, the same space i take up, always.
`i never thought i'll be willing to miss gatherings with my friends to go out with my love,
i never thought there would be one person who'd be so nice as to listen to all my shitty thinking, all my insensible assumptions, and tend to me.
i never thought there would be a time where i'll shed genuine tears at the thought of having to leave someone's side.
i never thought there would be one person who'd give me so much assurance, so much security.
i never thought there could be no secrets between two person.
i never thought i'd be able to trust someone that he'll keep his promises for sure.
i never thought that i could carry on with just one person being there for me.
i never thought life could be so full of hope, full of happiness.
until i found you darl,
until i found you.
i am so happy i found you, so happy. your endless love surrounds me, so much so that i feel i am the center of your life. it feels so sweet, so nice, and i am truly blessed. i don't know what the future brings, but you're the first who made me so close to believing that we'll get married for sure. it is the first time i am in a relationship where i am almost sure i want to marry that guy. it is the first time i thought so so so far, with you having to get pass my Dad, with you having to attain goodie results so that we can live without worries in future, my entire life with you ahead. my god, i seriously am in love with you. so deeply that i know i'll be truly hurt if i were to lose you. a hurt that would be more unbearable than any other pain. but i know you won't let me get hurt, even if you have to give up your life for me to be fine. no, i don't want you to save me and be my hero, i want to die with you so that at least i can get to see the perfect heaven, with you around. =] iloveyourkisses.iloveyourhugs.iloveyou.
thistimeiamsure,
itsforever.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:34 AM]
Sunday, June 18, 2006
i'm happy.
you're so, mr perfect to me.
you're just like what those crappy chained emails always say, things like, find a guy who kisses you on your forehead, a guy who tells you he wants you to marry him, and so on.. YOU DO ALL THAT. =]
you're so caring, everything that's being done, you think of me. to think you thought about things for an entire night before telling me you wanna be with me.
you're so sweet. there's like, one thousand and one things you did for me. learn my favourite song and sing it to me and all those sugary words you'd say, they just send tingles though my heart.
you're so understanding and patient. you would always be there to comfort me, to listen and entertain my dumb thoughts, to just clear any doubt i have. never once did you force me to stop thinking, never once did you say i am just making things more complicated for myself.
with someone like you, i'll never be afraid to tell you whatever i'm thinking.
because i know you'll never tell me i'm thinking too much and not answer me, thank you so much darl. =]
that's why i love you so! =]
but sometimes, i really doubt myself.
i don't know if i'll disappoint you, i don't know if i'll hurt you in future.
for so much that you've done for me, and how much you feel for me, i can't bear to see you sad, not at all.
everytime i talk about him, you'd just tell me to forget the painful past, and that you'll be there for me,
and you'd say, "i trust you"
that meant a whole lot to me. and, it taught me alot. now, every now and then when i start to doubt you, when i start to think of how bad the future could get, i'll just whisper to myself, "i trust you, as much as you trust me" =]
hmm i hope things will only get better and not worse. =]
all the things happening around us makes me a little afraid of the future, besty and weix, cheryl and fei, and all those people whom we're always talking to.
but from the way you tell me you're different, the way you assured me.
i believe you. =]
but darl, don't always be my hero okae? don't just keep all your sadness in you, all your doubts, just to make me feel better. don't always sacrifice for me. give me a chance to be that undestanding, that caring, and that nice. alright? =]i love you. you know it. =]
that innocent smile which captivates
`[4:27 PM]
