Monday, March 28, 2005
i am tinkin too much..i noe..but..guess i hav no one to tell wad i truly am tinkin..peolple will get hurt knowin how i feel afta my thoughts..but..i dunnoe wad is wrong with me but i juz can't take the truth as it is..i feel so unimportant..tat even afta u were so angry n i juz left like that..u went to seep..u could get to sleep..he told me..he knows wad i am tinkin bu ti shldn't assume..okae..i shldn't..so juz take it tt i am juz assuming n dun get too affected if u're readin this..he told me..u would be sad if u were to noe wad i am tinkin..now ttu noe.. dun want u to be sad..tt is y i dun tell u how i feel..i am scared tt i would make u sad with the things i sae..my assumptions..finallie..everthing has come to light..i would only feel so sad bcuz i had been tinkin too much.but will u clear my doubts n tell me how u reallie feel..it doesnt matter if u reallie dun feel affected as much as i do..i juz wanna know..if i am reallie tinkin too much..i juz wanna sae..i'm sorrie..to make things so dfficult for u..to always make u worrie..once again..i wanna sae..sorrie for tinkin so much.sorrie for the assumptions..sorrie for all the sighs..sorrie for making u feel frustrated..
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:03 AM]
Sunday, March 27, 2005
i feel hurt..my heart is wrenching..i merely juz wanted to let u noe how i am feeling..i am sorrie for being myself..mabbe..u didn't wanted to noe how i feel..i dun have the courage to tell u things bcuz..i am afraid i am so afraid tt if i ever tell them to u.. am afraid u would get frustrated..u would get irritated by my folly of tinkin so much..i noe i am tinkin too much..but hav u ever wondered? y am i tinkin so much..i am bcuz i care so much abt u n how u feel..i am afraid tt if i ever sae things wrongly..u would get the wrong idea n the wrong feelin..i am afraid tt i hav nt get my facts right before i sae somethin..i would hurt u..i am afraid tt if i ever told u how i feel..u would feel sad..or even angry with me..tt is y i am always hesistating..i am tinkin whether i shld tell u..tinkin how u would feel if i ever tell u..n tt is why sometimes..halfway thru..i decided nt to tell..bcuz i am afraid of what willl happen if i tell u..
now..i realised something else..i realised tt afterall..u r irritated by me n how i feel..mabbe u juz dun understand why am i feelin down n sad..but..i can tell u..it is all bcuz of u..i feel tt..i am constantly waitin for a reply..a reply which i'll never get..i dunnoe wad i wanna hear..but..i juz seems tt none of wad i wanna hear comes from u..i feel so distant suddenly..never would i hav taut u would juz blow up at me n sae all those things..i am sad abt it..i reallie am..mabbe to u..those tt u hav said were merely juz some comments out of frustrations..words which are nt wrong abt wad's happening..but do u know how much they have hit me? i suddenly feel tt u dunnoe why am i so sad..when i've already told u.. u noe..u sae sorrie..but after sorries..things stil remain the same..i dunnoe..mabbe i've wronged u abt everything tt i've said here..but..they r juz how i reallie feel..i've wiped my tears n i'm tryin to pick myself up from the painful fall..but i hope u could come around n give me a hand..please..u know..i need u..
that innocent smile which captivates
`[11:57 PM]
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
nobody noes who i reallie am..i've never felt this empty before..but if i ever need someone to come along..who's gonna comfort me n keep me strong? my vision is blurring..n i dun even hav the strength to open my eyes to look at you..y r u treating me this way? i dun tink i've done anything wrong..y r u juz ignoring me? leaving me to feel so guilty n tinkin tt everything i do is wrong?u make me feel so lost..i dunnoe wadta do..i'm so..lost..never had i expected things to turn out this way..all tat i had hoped for was for us to hav a nice n happie dinner together..*haix*now i juz feel so tired tat i need a break..tat's it..i'll not do anithin more..i am so gonna break down n wet my face again if i ever tried again..i tink..i took the wrong first step..mabbe i shouldn't hav tried to make things turn out for the betta in the first place..she merely juz wanted a break..is tat too much to ask for? mabbe all this is my fault..i couldn't understand her enough..tt she needs a break n tat she is facing lotsa pressure frm him.please..i beg of u god..make things betta..i need someone to come along..to comfort me n keep me strong..i'm not going to give up cause of fear..i noe u'll alwaes be by my side..please..stay here n don't ever leave me..i hav had enough..i can't afford losing someone more precious..i love you..i am so glad u r tryin to clear my doubts..but please dun accomodate me too much..i still want u to be the real u..i dun wish tat u hafta keep changing to keep me feeling secure..i juz wanna sae sorrie tat i hadn't trust u enough..but i hope u understand..i am enjoying every moment with u..n..i miss u badly..*wish u were here to hold me in your arms to comfort me n keep me strong*we are rowing a boat of fate..the waves keep on coming and we can't escape..but if we get lost on our way..the waves will guide us through another day..
that innocent smile which captivates
`[11:49 PM]
Monday, March 21, 2005
tears are running dry..i have so much i want to tell you..
everything is happening so fast n i can't catch my breathe..all the sobbing..i feel suffocated..i juz wanna tell u tt i merely juz wanted care n concern frm u..i thought i had such an understanding mother..one who'll message me tellin me she is sad n disappointed abt the things i do n telling me to tink of what i should do properly..afraid tt i'll regret..but now..it juz seems to me tt mabbe all that wasn't true..i admire my frens who can talk to their mum in their room for long hours..n tt their mum would juz listen like a fren would do..i tink..u too hav gone through teenage life..u would be able to understand..i feel so hurt abt the quarrel..i..i simply juz miss the home-cooked food..n i feel so alone..tt whenever i come hm..no matter how late..u wouldn't be at hm..no one would..n u won't ever call to ask me y i had reached hm so late..n..i miss those times when we went out on fishing trips together..n i bet dad misses them too..he has been tellinme that he feels tired..having to bring u out to entertain u everyday..n if he hadn't bring u out for a day..u would be unhappie about it..mum..i dun wan u to become like tt..i can understand tt u juz wanted to have some time to relax..to be stressed free for a moment n juz savour the times when u go to sing n dance with ur frens..but..wad about family? what abt me? it is not tt i haven't tried to tell u.. it is the first time i ever tried to tell u the tinkin deep down in me...nt considerin tt u would be offended by what i sae..but..it juz doesn't seem to work..but..i won't ever sae sorrie to u abt the quarrel..i dun feel tt i am in the wrong at all..blame me tt i'm stubborn..but i juz hav had enough mum..reallie enough.i dun wanna try no more..i'm tired n i need a break..i won't ever wanna let u go..but do u feel the same way too? somehow.i juz dun feel tt u r affected as much as i do..when i was readin her blog..i gt to noe u cried cuz of her before..n i start to wonder..hav u ever cried cuz of anithin tt had happened? i am eager to noe the answer n yet.i am afraid..i am afraid to noe the truth tt u didn't..mabbe it doesn't reallie matters tt much..but i juz feel tt it does mater..mabbe tt's how i measure how much u love me..i noe..i hav been constantly measuring ur love for me..comparing the times i had with u with the times u had with ur other 9s..but i juz can't help it cuz..i feel inferior.i am afraid tt i dun matter as much to u..do i? n i was juz wondering abt ur reaction to me sayin tt i hafta break up with u..i dunnoe wad u truly feel deep down.i can tell u..i feel as thou i hav crumbled on my knees..n i feel weak all over..filled with sadness..knowin tt no matter how much i love u..we can never be an item..at at last..u told me we keep it a low profile..i hope u noe how much we hafta give to keep it at a low profile.it means..no phone calls everyday..n sometimes..even no smses..no going out except tt i get permission frm my parents..with them knowin tt i am going out with u..all tt's possible are online chats..smiles..greetings..tt is it..can u take it? it will be saddening..agonizing..i juz wanna sae tt..mabbe it is cuz i understand u too much..n i noe how much u would do no matter how much it takes..u would give ur everything to salvage anything tt happens..juz like a guardian angel..alwaes being dere to hold on n face each challenge doing all tt u can, for the girl u love..i could see from the tears u shed..frm the worries n problems tt u used to ponder on everyday..but now..i dun see it..tt is y i feel lost n i need directions from u again..i need to noe tt u..r doing as much..to speak the truth..i feel very insecure..i keep tinkin tt i dun matter as much cuz i dun see u being sad about the things tt r happening..i am reallie affected by her..i am sick n tired of answering all those questions..of explaining things over n over again when i noe tt it won't change anyone's mindset of her..y r u treatin her like tt? y dun u juz give her a chance? i noe..people will juz keep saein tt she had already done all tt she could..the only void is me.but i juz cannot do it..i can't bring myself to forget what she had ever done to me..i mean..the rumor..it was so unreal..utterly unreal n she chose to believe it..it shows me how much of trust she has in me..i could still remember how she had shouted at me in the phone..tt voice..it can nv get outta my mind..n dere was once..she broke up with him..n we were at the basketball court..seeing that she walked away in sadness..i went to embrace her..even though i was reallie irritated by the fact tt she kept repeatin wad time she had slept..how swollen her eyes r...i mean..yes..we can see it..we noe tt u r sad..but..u r over doing it..u dun needta get so much attention..okae..n afta a few daes when i read her blog..she merely juz said he was hoping it was him..i mean..isn't ur best fren being dere for u gd enough..dun u realise how much she hav tolerated n gone throu to give u tt hug? n she thanked me..with a bracket by the side..how sincere is tt..now tt so much hav happened..i hafta face everyone's idea of me..how everything hav happened as u told them..u were clever to take the first move..telling them how much u hav already done to apologise n u hav won their sympathy..now all that is left behind is for me to accept ur apology..i hav tried to give u a chance..but i still couldn't do it wholely..bcuz i juz can't get a good impression out of ur behaviour..for now..guess i'll juz hafat tolerate further n truely give u one full chance..i will do it..since i've said it..i feel so lost..i dunnoe which step to take next..i am fearful of the pain i hav to experience with eack step i take..tt is y i am still standing here..with tears running dry..
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:54 AM]
Sunday, March 20, 2005
i miss you
i miss you!!!
that innocent smile which captivates
`[11:43 PM]
