Sunday, July 31, 2005
while i was walking home yesterday,
i felt so afraid,
like i always did,
but this time round,
it wasn't you who companied me,
it was him.
i was hoping you would offer to send me home
but i think you don't make it an effort anymore,
because we're no longer together,
because you don't have the responsibility anymore.
we look as though we're still together,
many people tell me that,
i was just thinking,
do you reallie want them to think this way?
why haven't u told any of your friends?
somehow with all the things that are happening now,
they just make me miss you more,
and they just make me think you're still the one i love,
the more i realise how much i love you,
the more i want to be with you again..
would you accept me again?
or would u reject me?
sigh, forget it, i don't dare to try..
i miss you, so much that its taking me away.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:43 PM]
Tuesday, July 26, 2005
as always,
i miss you.
i looked at your hand,
looked at your fingers,
looked at the spaces in between,
i wonder when will my fingers ever fit in those again.
i looked at you,
looked at your lips,
i wonder when will i ever kiss u again.
i wonder when will those words come out from those lips again.
i looked at your shoulders,
i wonder when will i ever ache them again.
i looked into your eyes,
i wonder when will your eyes ever just tell me,
i'm yours.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[10:49 PM]
Tuesday, July 19, 2005
today is the 19th,
before i know it,
it has been a month already,
i wonder if i had left an impression,
i wonder if i had replaced her as i've wished,
hmm,
never mind,
i won't feel any better knowing.
i guess i've moved on,
i guess..
i miss you,
and as always,
i love you.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[10:49 PM]
Sunday, July 17, 2005
my god,
i can't stop thinking about you,
i dunnoe why am i behaving this way,
i'm all about you.
watching people around me get together,
i could feel that tinge of jealousy,
right after that,
sadness, regret...
sigh*
i could still remember all the sweet things you did,
that face of yours when you give me those gifts,
and how apologetic you look when you knew i got angry,
i could still remember the way your eyes are filled with care and concern,
the way you force me to take my meals,
the way you tell me you love me.
i could still remember the day i said yes,
that letter you gave me,
the anxious you.
sigh*
its all in the past,
and i know all these would not happen again.
remembering all these,
i could feel the pain coming all over again,
the way the messages got later and later,
the way we drifted further and further no matter how hard i tried to keep you,
the very day when you told me,
the feelings have fadedargh*
never mind about them,
its already over,
i shouldn't be raking up the past,
just making myself feel worse.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:59 PM]
Thursday, July 14, 2005
drifting,
we're drifting away,
those messages i'm so unsure,
is that the true you?
the time we meet,
you're so cheeky,
is that the real you?
you're so cold for awhile,
so heart-warming at other times,
you're so,
unreal? blurred? i dunnoe..
regret,
it is engulfing me,
we were so good,
so close,
sigh,
i really miss you you know?
i wanna be close to you again,
to know what you're thinking,
to understand your troubles,
to just,
know everything about you.
sadness,
is setting in,
would we ever be back again?
sigh,
the light is dimming again...
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:31 PM]
Sunday, July 10, 2005
i miss you.
i miss the way you hold my hand,
i miss the way you demand that i have my meals,
i miss the way you hold me tight,
i miss the way you kiss me,
i miss the way i ache your shoulders,
i miss the way you smile,
i miss the way you joke,
i miss the way you could spend hours talking on the phone with me,
i just miss your presence..
i'm worried too,
i'm worried that you might be tired,
i'm worried that you might make bad company,
i'm worried that you might not be able to cope with your studies,
i'm worried that you might be vexed by your problems again,
but at least now i know,
there's a problem lesser,
now that i have left.
i wonder if it did help, i want to help,
so i won't question you again,
i won't confront you ever again,
i won't be a problem again.
since that day, the 19th,
you have never had any connotations that you ever doubted me,
you have never questioned me of the love i have for you,
is it that you just trust me so much?
or u just can't be bothered?
all along,
i had been the one asking for your love,
i had been the one hoping so much you would love me,
i had been the bugger, or even the nuisance maybe,
would it matter if i don't love you?
would you be sad to know i don't love you,
what if one day i really went away?
would you be sad and ask me to stay?
i really hope you would,
i have never got answers,
right from the start,
your answers, they were just 'i dunnoe' ultimately,
but time and again i ensured myself that they are answers,
i know i still can ensure myself that the love is for real,
now please, i beg of you, don't hurt me again, okae?
i know i won't be able to take it,
i am already all weak inside.
guess you're too busy to be even reading this,
never mind, i just have to pass day by day with my secrets wishes deep in me.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[12:02 AM]
Friday, July 08, 2005
i just have this prick in my heart that never goes away,
i just have this headache that haunts me day n night,
i just keep worrying that another come rights at me again.
the tide is high,
waves are coming so strong,
it is difficult to restand the waves,
i am losing my balance,
the waves are engulfing me,
i'm drowning,
again.
i am not ready to settle anything that comes again,
ia m not ready to suffer another blow,
i am breaking down,
i know i am.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[11:32 PM]
Thursday, July 07, 2005
i'm crumbling,
my heart shattered.
why?
just why does everyone want to leave me?
why?
why don't they just believe in me,
my feelings,
they are true,
they have not change right from start.
why must i be dejected.
just what have i done wrong?
what must i do now?
what should i do?
someone help,
please help me.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:41 PM]
Wednesday, July 06, 2005
i caught a glimpse of you,
your back,
glimpses are enough.
i won't want to look at you into your eyes,
i'll feel so much pain inside,
i crumble, i fall, right before you.
i wonder if you know today's date,
i feel,
extra miserable..
i don't want to know that you know i feel this way,
but not do anything to make me feel better,
even as a friend?
i want to get over you,
yet i know it is almost impossible to not love you,
what can i do?
to make those tears go away,
to stop the excruciating pain in me.
to let me regain my sleep, with those wonderful dreams i had,
to make those nightmares go away.
i'm almost to my limit,
i am living in hell,
all the angels have left,
all the stars aren't shining anymore,
the sea just drowns me.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:52 PM]
she writes your name in her thoughts,
her nick.
and you,
you just slipped away,
with her name in your thoughts,
maybe even your heart
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:29 PM]
Tuesday, July 05, 2005
i no longer feel tingles in my heart when our eyes meet,
i feel my heart wrenching,
i feel my tears coming.
for the only hour i slept,
i dreamt of you,
i dreamt that you gave me a hug,
and she asked me why are you giving me false hopes,
why hug me when you obviously are not going to make things better?
*sigh*
i woke up,
it is all surfacing to me that i am just living in a huge lie,
why ask me to be with you only to let the love fade?
why make me love you only to say maybe we weren't that close after all?
why make 999 hearts, only to make me count them over and over, wondering if it was ever true?
why tell me to choose a puzzle only to give me a last minute birthday present?
why tell me you would keep loving me only to let me see you get close with another?
why did you tell me you love me,
only for me to believe that you no longer do.
why must i love you so much?
*sigh*
i know, i'll never get any answers from you.
not even a notation to tell me to keep loving you.
was the message unclear again?
or are your feelings unclear now?
i love you,
*sobs*
i really do.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:00 AM]
Monday, July 04, 2005
i am just living in a denial, a big lie.
my god, i'm all broken.
anyway we've broken up,
i am the past, the new has come.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[10:04 PM]
Sunday, July 03, 2005
don't get heartaches like me,
don't worry,
i'm strong,
i have always been.
it isn't your fault to say those words last time,
i know you care about me,
but i guess,
i just love him too much,
that's why i have always been crumbling and getting myself hurt,
time and again.
don't worry about those nights of crying,
i've brought it upon myself,
i am just a crybaby,
but i guess its the only way out for me to feel better.
i know, i am strong,
but the more i want to be strong,
the more vulnerable i am inside,
so, just let me have those nights,
don't worry,
i'll be fine afterwards..
don't say sorry,
you've been a splendid besty,
always listening to me,
caring about me,
i know u care about me =))i'm sorry to make you feel we're drifting away,
we're not, believe me. =))
believe in yourself too,
compared to her,
you're so lovely,
so less irritating,
so sincere,
so why think she would reappear to come between the both of us,
you are not losing me,
you'll not lose me,
i promise.i've already lost the one i loved most,
how could i bear to lose a good friend like you?
yes, it is only because she's with us that i can't tell you,
but be sure i'll tell you whenever she's not around..
next time you're so troubled,
do tell me please,
i didn't ask you because i know i may be the one who caused you to be so sad,
i know u may not want to face me,
but i just hope you can always tell me what's happening,
i want to hear from you too.
lastly, no you don't sound like a lesbian..=))
that innocent smile which captivates
`[3:59 PM]
i can't believe anymore..
i am living in denial,
i can trust no one no more,
i do not believe that u care,
i do not believe i am still where i use to be,
my light is dimming,
my heart is aching..
please,
give me the strength to keep my beloved light buring..
would you even care to come and comfort me?
would you tell me i am assuming again?
i know you wouldn't, you just won't..
we're just friends,
the love doesn't matter anymore to you.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[3:13 AM]
i met you today,
but for the first time,
i am unhappy to see you..
on the MRT,
i dunnoe but i just kept feeling the tears coming up,
they just well up in my eyes,
thinking of the way you kept sayin your bill is bombing,
seeing the way you sms,
mostly,
to know you're with..
*sigh*
i think,
i slipped away from your heart..
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:13 AM]
