* childlike innocence `

Sunday, October 23, 2005

`just like before,
the whole cycle repeats itself,
because i fell for you again,
because i went back that old me.
because i kept you right where you were,
from the very first day you told me you love me.
from that very day when i plucked up all my courage,
to love you openly,
wholeheartedly.

`i'm starting to miss you so badly,
i miss talking to you,
it has been ages since i've spoken to you.

`i wonder if you think of me.
do you pray for me to be fine and well?
do you care about me? at all?

`i've been questioning myself over and over again.
even all the blog entries are the same.
the feelings,
they never change.
the grieve,
the way i miss you,
they'll never go away.

`i know faking isn't the solution,
but now,
i have no other choice.
i have to tell myself i don't love you,
i have to make myself stop all these nonsense.

`i hope i can make it.
its going to be so hard,
so tough,
but i only have myself to rely on.
sigh.
i'm so stupid to be caught in all these shit.

that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:02 AM]

Wednesday, October 19, 2005

`i sent you a message.

`i hope i don't wake u up if u're sleeping,
i'm sorry if i had frightened you with those words i said yesterday.
i guess, you didn't know what to reply again,
mabye that's why u didn't reply my message.
i know, u'd have felt oppressed by my feelings for you again,
i didn't mean it,
and i'm sorry.
i know, i didn't keep the promise,
and because i didn't keep the promise,
i can't be friends with you.
i know you want to make things right,
and i'm glad you still want me as a friend,
you even tried a few times.
if i had been too stubborn,
and i didn't reply you,
i'm sorry.
i was just testing you out,
to see how much i mean to you.
you can just ignore the message yesterday okae?
i'm sorry,
i shouldn't hav let u know about all that.
for now,
just stay where you are,
i'm happy as long as you are.
and, if you've reallie got back with her,
don't get yourself hurt again okae?
cause,
i can't be there to comfort you,
to make things right for you anymore.
take care of yourself,
be strong what ever happens,
just like me. =)
so until i get over you,
you stay happy with them.
hmm,
you might not remember the date,
but this was the day you last said to me,
i love you.
sorry again.

`as always,
i was hoping you would reply,
so so so much.
i was even thinking what would you say to me.
but you didn't.
i knew it would be this way,
but i was just wishing for a change.

`i wonder if the message even touched you,
if you felt anything.
or was i just this irritant?

`i know i am getting all emotional about this,
but forgive me alright?
i'm sorry,
i'll try my best to keep everything inside.

i really wish to know,
if you had got back with her,
if she had regained her place in your heart?
she never ever left did she?
you just kept her there,
not letting anyone else in.
why did you get me entangled and just,
leave me here to struggle on my own?

`sigh,
i met you today.

`you were just right there,
sitting at a side,
my heart,
it was almost like,
i don't know,
i had to force those tears back.

`just what am i so sad about?
just what do i want?

`i just hate this day.

that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:37 PM]

Monday, October 17, 2005

`today,
when i saw your name appearing in my inbox,
i felt,
afraid.
i didn't dare to read it,
or even take a glance at it.
i just left it there, unread.

`when i was on the bus,
i started to think about everything,
everything that's been happening,
and,
i read the message.

`you asked when i wanted those vcds back,
it felt as though you were asking me,
when would i want the love back,
all the care that you once showed,
and all the friendship that we shared,
when would i want them back?

`i replied,
'you can have them,
no one watches them anyway.'

`i guess, i just want you to keep those memories,
the friendship which led to love that we shared,
i know,
i can't expect anything in return,
neither can i hope for everything to be back like last time,
but i,
i don't know what i'm feeling either,
i just,
can't let go.
i rather leave everything with you,
because i still hope someday,
if it ever comes,
every feeling will be regained.
so just leave them there with you okae?
at least they'll remind you of something about us.

`how would you react if you were to know,
i still love and care for you,
and that i can't fulfil that promise?

`i wonder how it feels,
to have that someone thinking of you everyday,
missing you everyday,
asking others how have you been in every conversation,
praying for you to be safe and fine every night before she sleeps,
wishing she could be your guardian angel,
to protect you from all the hurt,
and to make sure you're always happy,
she has her mind drift into thoughts of you with every pause in life.

`and at the same time while she's doing all these,
she's afraid you would find out,
afraid that she'll be a problem again,
afraid that she'll make things difficult for you again.
afraid that she'll barge into your wonderful life,
where you have your best friends and the one you love.

`so she refuses to react to you,
she refuses to show her care,
she refuses to show how much she yearns to say hi,
she refuses to just let you see,
how much she loves and misses you.

`one day,
if you really do get to know,
don't feel bad,
don't care for me just because you feel you owe it to me,
don't feel that you've done me wrong,
don't, just don't
make yourself do what you don't want to do.

`its my fault i can't let go,
i got myself into all these hurt,
so i should blame no one but me,
myself.

`i can't deny the fact that i'm sad,
but,
i just have to bear with it don't i?
it has already been long enough,
enough for the hurt to fade away,
but i clung on,
because i didn't want to stop loving you,
i still want to be with you.

`i can see you're happy now,
well, its always what i've been asking for,
i just really hope you know what you're doing,
and my dear,
i'll cont'd to pray for you not to be hurt, to be sad.
i love you.

`now that i am facing everything,
admitting to everything,
that i still love you,
that i still care,
that i still long to be with you,
i'll have to start all over again,
to try my hardest to let go,
and to forget.
i've been telling myself this right from the day you left.
but i still can't.
i am just so willing to go on crying,
go on getting hurt,
because i really really love you.
but it'll never be requited,
the truth just keeps stabbing me,
right through my heart.

that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:02 PM]

Saturday, October 01, 2005

okay, i just posted a long entry,
but its all gone.

i just want to say,
if you just don't want to try anymore, forget it,
if you don't want to believe in me, its alright.
i have no patience, no time anymore.
i have to concentrate on my studies.
for this once,
i'm not going to take the first step to settle and sort things out,
i'm sorry.

you're not leaving, you're just pushing me away.
have you forgotten how much i've tried to make things right for you?
just because of the fact that she goes telling you things about me, you've dimissed all that had happened the past few days?
why are you always affected by some busybody who thinks she knows me so well?
i don't tell people about how i feel, not openly, you know that.
so why? why doubt me again?
is friendship meant to be measured this way?
by how much i tell you about what i think and what's happening in my life?

that innocent smile which captivates
`[2:32 AM]