Saturday, November 26, 2005
`so glad i have a blog.
i haven't been talking alot lately,
i don't know,
just tired of speaking up somehow.
`frankly,
i am starting to dislike explaining things,
i dislike having to tell people how i feel,
and then explain why am i feeling this way,
i don't know the answer to my mood,
my expressions, my silence.
so don't ask me what's wrong.
something's just wrong,
but i can't point it out either.
`i feel so lost.
i'm waiting,
but not sure for what.
i'm hoping for something,
but i'm not sure of what is it that i want too.
`i'm getting so tired,
so tired of trying to be happy daily.
i'm putting off the facade.
i think, i'll just be myself.
but yes, i don't owe anyone any explainations.
so i don't have to tell anyone how i feel.
`hearing every news of you hurts me,
worries me,
leaves me thinking so much.
but i don't want to be oblivious to them either.
at least i know somethings about you.
it doesn't matter if they hurt me or not,
as long as i hear about you,
i'm contented deep down.
`every entry spells contradiction,
for awhile i am happy,
the next while i'm sad.
for awhile i'm strong,
the next while i call out for help.
for awhile i told myself to give up,
the next while i feel my heart aching so much while trying to stop loving you.
`sigh.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[2:47 AM]
Thursday, November 24, 2005
`i'd rather not know.
`i knew it.
just that i didn't know it was this fast.
i didn't know my hopes would be crashed this fast, this quick.
so hurting.
`i shouldn't have let myself believe once again.
it was so stupid of me.
i shouldn't have.
`but i can't stop.
i can't stop having thoughts of you.
having hopes,
starting to believe.
`you led me on,
or rather,
i allowed myself to be led on.
`don't just leave again.
`i hate this.
so much.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:41 AM]
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
`hmm yes, the exams are finally over.
i am so very glad i get to day-dream again,
i get to just sit there and think of you for as long as i want again.
i get to go to the reservoir and just stare at the calm waters till i know you're home, watching the same waters as i am.
i miss thinking of you.
i miss those beautiful moments i imagined.
i miss having that feeling that i suddenly want to tell you i still love you so much.
`i've been using the exams to keep all my feelings inside,
using it to just force thoughts of you out of my mind,
using it to stop feeling sad,
using it to stop my mind from drifting away.
now that its all over,
i'm suddenly stranded.
i'm trapped in this world,
thinking of you all the time.
`the chalet,
it was sweet.
i could still remember touching your back while i was asleep.
i could remember how you told him to stop playing just so that i can get to sleep.
i could still remember the feeling of you being so close.
i could remember the way you fondled with my fingers when you woke up.
i love that smile of yours darl,
i love the way you just, make me feel loved.
`sarah said you came after me when i left for a walk with him,
did you really come for me?
or was it just a coincidence that you wanted to find a place to sleep?
how i wished i mattered so much.
how i wished you really did come, just because you don't want me to be taken away.
`you came to lay down behind me,
while i was helping him with his problems,
by the pool side,
under that vast grey sky,
with the moon hiding behind the clouds, peeping at us,
with those stars so bright, all hidden,
with you by my side,
i felt blessed. =]
but you left so soon,
after you sneezed and i said you were spoiling the atmosphere,
it was just a joke,
if i had known you would go away,
i wouldn't have said those words,
i'm sorry.
please stay..`i am all puzzled again,
i love the sweet moments,
but what will happen if we got together again?
will there be so many problems that i have to leave before we even enjoy sweet moments like this?
will you be avoiding me again?
what if we breakup again?
i know i wouldn't be able to take it.
i know i would break down.
i know i would cry so hard that i become all weak inside,
i know i would not be able to go through all these all over again.
`so what do i do now?
take the first step?
what if your reply is that it's impossible between us?
will i be able to take it?
what if,
there is really no place for me in your heart?
did i even leave a mark in the first place?
if only, someone could answer me.
if only you would just take my hand and tell me you love me once again.
`i wonder how many times have i said that i want to give you up,
but each and every time,
the next entry spells thoughts of you,
when will i ever get use to not loving you?
when will i ever ever forget you?
i don't want to out you away,
i want you to stay in my memories,
i'm afraid someday i wouldn't be able to find these feelings anymore.
`my darl,
sigh,
i'm still thinking of you,
that very you who loved me.
`i know i can't be that far from you, if we're both lookin on the same side of the moon.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[2:29 AM]
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
`caught a glimpse of you today.
`why didn't you say hi?
i saw her waving,
i turned around and it was you.
but you weren't looking in my direction,
maybe you didn't wanted to say hi,
maybe its all because..
i don't know.
`i just realised all the while,
this blog,
it has been talking bout me, me and me.
all about how i feel,
what i think,
and how i wished things would be like.
but hers was different,
she had such high hopes of you,
she talks about the past all the time,
never a time is she even talking bout her being sad and dissapointed,
no heart breaks,
no broken promises,
no lies.
somehow it just makes things so positive,
so wonderful.
`but right here,
i talk about disappointments,
i talk about the broken promises you made,
i talk about the lies you said.
it just makes things so negative,
you're no longer wonderful.
`i just don't have the drive anymore,
i don't know how to help others anymore,
because i don't even have that faith myself,
so how do i make others believe in their love?
even my besty,
i don't know how to help her face her problems anymore,
i get so frustrated with the matters of the heart,
i feel so helpless when i have to face all these problems,
i no longer know how to believe,
how to trust,
how to wish.
`no.
i don't want anymore diappointments; i can't wish and hope, they'll bring me the disappoinments.
i don't want to hear lies; i rather i know nothing, because when i do, i will know the lies too.
i don't want to think about the past; they just make me remember all the broken promises.
i don't look forward to the future too; how much more hurt will there be?
would you come and pick me up?would we ever ever get together again?would you ever love me again?are you happy this way?is it true that you no longer love me?....if i can ask god...
that innocent smile which captivates
`[12:17 AM]
Monday, November 14, 2005
`i waited and waited,
i was thinking of what to say,
i decided i'd call you.
`i feel inferior,
to anyone else.
but especially her,
i was at her blog,
waiting to see what she'd say to you.
i know she would be saying such sweet things,
she had always been so sweet to you,
she knew how to make you smile,
i didn't.
`so i just called,
to say a simple 'Happy Birthday'
and you sounded delighted,
i was so glad,
but i know it was just because you take me as a friend,
just a friend.
`my hand was almost trembling from the nervousness,
i tried my best not to sound too dull,
i tried my best to let you know i'm happily greeting you.
and i did it. =]
i'm contented.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:42 AM]
Sunday, November 13, 2005
`yes,
so its true.
i was right.
isn't this so much better?
now that everything is all but a lie.
now that everything is back like before.
but how wonderful,
you used me to lie to her?
i see,
so that's how much i stand in your heart.
this pain is so intense it is no longer that stabbing,
pricking pain of that shattered heart.
but it is not hurting me in anyway either.
my heart is dead.
maybe now i understand why it was so hard for besty to love again.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:26 PM]
Saturday, November 12, 2005
`just when i was sobbing so hard under my pillow,
just when i was thinking why did u lie,
just when i was forcing myself to be happy and wake up from this nightmare,
you messaged me.
`i was lost momentarily,
i didn't know what to do.
`it was as though you were telling me to not give up on you,
it was as though you knew how i was feeling at that moment,
that's why you made your name appear in my inbox.
but still,
i refuse to give in.
its enough,
`i've had enough.
`i've had enough of struggling with the pain,
as though i could really take it all by myself.
i've had enough of your lies,
i've had enough of you not knowing anything
i've had enough of being caught in your confusion.
i've had enough of this hurtful love.
`so what if its all shattered?
who cares to mend it when i myself don't even have the strength to mend it?
who cares if it doesn't know how to love anymore?
who going to care and bother about it when its just so stubborn?
why did i fall in love with you?
`i'll just leave it there.
and move on,
never with a heart to love another.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[3:04 AM]
Thursday, November 10, 2005
i just feel tears coming,
yes, its definite.
letting go,
its true this time.
he won't ever like me again,
i don't even have to dream ever again.
`don't worry,
everything will be okae,
its going to fade away so soon you won't even realise.
there's no need to cry,
don't be silly,
its your decision.
yes,
i'm happy,
i'm happy.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:06 PM]
Tuesday, November 08, 2005
`today's the 7th,
besty,
happy anniversary.
sorry but its already almost now,
but just want to say,
enjoy your times with weix,
he's so nice,
so tolerant of you,
you should be so grateful,
i'm so happy for you.
`sigh,
i've told everyone my decision,
its almost as though its coming through now,
but silly me,
i should dry up those tears,
afterall,
its what i've wanted,
and i've got it,
so what am i so sad about?
`i'm just so sad that i'm being so afraid,
and i'm coming up with excuses,
because i know,
its me, just me.
i know this time round when the problem comes,
i won't even try,
i won't have the courage to belive in this anymore,
it suddenly dawned on me that i've lost the faith,
lost the faith i had in you,
lost the courage to believe in us.
den again,
we won't be happy together,
sigh,
i don't know if this is what i want,
but i know,
it is just the right thing to do.
`anyway,
i've told her,
i've shown her the entry,
but not the blog,
because i won't ever want you to read this,
i don't want you to only admit you love me because the guilt is engulfing you,
i know how it feels,
i totally understand how painful it is to read,
i don't want you to be pricked by all this,
neither do i want you to feel guilty.
so yes,
i only showed her the entry.
and i know someday she'll tell you,
maybe she already did,
and when i asked if you're going to do anything,
she said "don't think so",
`so yes,
i think you got it and,
you're not going to do anything,
maybe you didn't wanted to do anything in the first place,
looks like,
all these struggle was just within myself,
maybe afterall,
i didn't mattered,
you never wanted me to go back to you,
you never wanted me back.
what's the point of getting all emotional about you?-he asked
maybe peple just don't know,
how much what ever your decision,
what ever you do or say matters so much,
to the fact that the moment i got to know you aren't doing anything,
it slapped me wide awake,
left me in tears,
maybe i was just assuming,
and this time round,
all the hopes,
were smashed.
all over again.
this vicious cycle,
its killing me,
taking pieces that are left of me away,
pushing me to the edge,
almost to the point i feel like,
feeling the pain outside instead,
but no i can't,
they say cutting yourself means you're calling out for help,
no, i'm not going to call for help,
i don't need help,
the choice is mine,
and i made the decision,
i'm fine,
always fine.
if i'm not,
when will i ever be fine again?
`its the exams now,
i should stay focus,
i have to push all the thoughts of you away,
i think i might need to change the exam desk,
it carries your name.
sigh.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[1:48 AM]
Monday, November 07, 2005
`i can't accept this love of yours,
i won't know how to make you happy,
my love will only make you feel trapped,
i don't know but,
i just think this rekindled love,
or rather the love that you never once let go,
it'll fade away,
i'm almost sure i didn't make such a deep impression.
but i'm glad,
in fact i'm all tingly to know that you still love me,
a long time ago,
i had already taken that you no longer love me,
and that you'd never care about me as much as before,
maybe as friends you will,
but i know,
caring for me just as a friend,
it'll never be enough.
but my dear,
i've decided to give up on this love because,
i know that we'll not share good times together,
say i'm selfish,
say i'm only thinking for myself,
but all i know is that there wil just be endless problems.
i'm not even sure if i'm able to be like before,
to be so full of hopes each time,
to just believe in everything so much,
my hopes were never fulfilled,
and my beliefs were shattered time and again,
the hopes i had,
the more disappointment i got,
so i know the very next time we get together,
i won't be hoping so much,
i know i'll find it so hard to believe again.
`if someone were to ask me,
how many good and sweet times did u had with him?
i'll be stumped,
i wouldn't know how to answer.
all that i remember is all along in the relationship,
i was finding faults with you,
i was always unhappy,
but to love you lift me up to the skies,
it was a bittersweet experience,
i was so glad i was able to love you,
but each time,
i feel so down just because i don't feel the love from you.
`sigh,
i read and read her blog,
there were so many sweet memories you two shared,
there were far more instances where the love was shown,
expressed and requitted,
it was both ways.
it was so difficult to keep on reading without,
breaking down into tears,
to know that when you were with her,
you guys were so happy,
there were so many sweet memories for her to remember,
and everyone said that you two were compatible.
you did so many sweet little things,
which set her heart fluttering,
you were always bringing her surprises,
those times when you were her boyfriend,
and me being the best friend of the both of you,
i'm too aware of all these.
i was jealous,
yes i was,
but i never thought all those things would happen to me,
not even till now,
and they never did.
`she still likes you,
maybe if not for me,
you two would have turned out exactly fine,
fine,
even if it isn't her you want to be with,
i'm not the one either,
i know you too well,
i'm not the type of girl you would want,
i'm just too conscious of my own feelings,
i've not spared a thought for you,
i've not considered the fact that you'd be unhappy,
i just thought everything would turn out fine as long as i tell you the problems and we solve it together.
but now,
i know just the type of girl you need,
she has to be understanding,
she has to find less faults in you,
she has to,
i don't know,
do the things which i can't,
even though i don't know what more can be done.
`so yes,
i'm giving this up,
i know,
i keep saying this,
and i know myself all too well,
i know it's going to be so difficult,
i would be so reluctant,
but no,
i have to,
just to have you forget about me.
`how dumb it seems,
when you've finally said you love me still,
i'm the one pushing you away,
you'll think i'm being so unfair,
but so be it,
because i know a long time from now,
you would be happily enjoying the blissfulness of your brand new relationship.
with the girl not being me.
sigh.
that innocent smile which captivates
`[11:43 PM]
Saturday, November 05, 2005
`it has been a long time since,
the day i said the promise,
since the day,
we parted.
`i don't know how to put it,
but i just know,
i'm missing you so badly.
sigh, but again,
i wouldn't know how to face you,
i wouldn't know how to react to you.
i wouldn't know how to just,
stop looking into your eyes,
in hope of seeing the one in you,
who used to love me so,
who used to bring me tingles in my heart,
who used to care for me so much,
who used to buy me presents and flowers...
sigh, the flowers,
they're all dried up,
its like,
i'm still here, waiting,
but everything around me,
they're moving on,
the flowers,
the time,
n maybe,
you.
`maybe,
i should really move on too,
`i've been trying and trying so hard,
but my dear,
its just so difficult,
i didn't realise i was this deeply in love with you.
`even if one day,
you return back to my side,
i won't bring you happiness,
i'll just make you feel bad,
make you feel stressed,
make you feel troubled,
find faults with you,
and make you solve a whole lot of problems.
i know you're always confused,
always at loss of what to do,
but i don't blame you,
if i wasn't so particular about some things,
if i hadn't expected so much,
there won't be many problems.
`its better just to have one person be sad than the both of us,
so my dearest,
i do want you to be happy,
i do want you to lead a carefree life without me around,
i do want you to be free of problems.
`i'm sure someone out there would be the one for you,
the one whom you've been waiting for,
the perfect one for you who can make you happy,
make you feel blissful,
care for you,
be there for you,
and protect you against all odds.
i'll be sad,
i know.
i know how much my heart will ache when the time comes,
but again,
i have no one to blame but myself,
i shouldn't be clinging on,
i shouldn't be making my problem become yours,
i can't be so selfish as to just,
not say hi to you because my heart aches,
i should spare a thought for you.
`so now,
i'll say hi to you everytime i see you,
i'll smile and be happy that we're at least friends,
maybe someday,
i'd get over it without me knowing,
maybe time will bring everything away with it,
even the love that i have for you.
`there and then,
i think i would be feeling so empty,
feeling as though i've lost a part of me.
sigh,
but i guess,
it'll be alright somewhere in future.
i dread that day,
i want to keep this wonderful feeling in me.
this love i have for you..
that innocent smile which captivates
`[9:37 PM]
